Friday, July 27, 2012

How to fill a void

Hello my little twat munchers!  I hope your Friday is going as fantabulously as it is here in the Kingdom.

What has me in such a perky mood?  Well let me show you.

The poor Queen has been miserable lately, what with most of the Royals up and leaving her.  Damn whores. Not to mention a bunch of other crap going on around here that has her down and dumpy.

It's really starting to foul this Kingdom up dude.  I can't sell no booze with this woman moping around attacking people for smiling!

So I decided a night out was in order.  We got all dolled up

and I took her to see Magic Mike.

Five minutes in and that woman was her old self again.

We gave the boy ushers a couple blow jobs and watched that shit 4 times without having to pay.  By the time we left our panties were soaked, our knees wobbly and that old bird was giggling like a hyena.

On our way out she grabbed me and said "Bartender, I know what we're going to do today" and I said "What's that Phineas?"

"We're going to put those John's to work for us.  We'll have our own fucking male strip club, all day, all night.  Jimmy Choo's will be the admittance fee!"

Then she paused and said "Wait where's Perry"...

we have been watching too many fucking cartoons. 

We skipped home and got to work.  First we had to put the boys through a few tests.

This guy gave me a run for my money, damn bastard mixed drinks like I never imagined.  Who knew a cock stir was the best utensil! Good thing the Queen didn't notice or I'd be out of a fucking job.

This was the hardest one of all.  The butt test.  We had them standing every which way, stretching, lunging, the whole nine, to make sure that that ass was tasty in all directions and angles.  That took hours.  But the boys were good sports about it.  Even when the Queen asked if they could show her what teabagging was.

We played a good game of "I don't know how to handle balls" to see if their technique was up to our standards. They happily showed us.  We happily enjoyed.

Then came the ultimate test...

The Queen lost her measuring tape after the first one, so we had to use our mouths and coochy snorchers to measure.  That took a few days.

All passed with flying flag poles.

Once the boys had been thoroughly examined, we had our crew.  Of course then we had to teach them how to dance and strip and man are my wrists and knees tired after all that.  These men are primed, fluffed and ready my friends.

But we have a slight problem that we need your help with.  They are all named John.  The Royals like not having to remember names, half the time we're too drunk to remember our own, but it gets confusing for the customers.  We have to come up with names for all these boys!  Any ideas?

The guy above walked in and we passed out.  We're thinking of calling him Titon, god of the wet pussies. Or Thor...when that man thrusts you hear and feel the thunder baby.

And then we saw this guy below, while on a booze run and the Queen said "I must have him" so have him she did.  
Many, many times.

I have given out two names, this is Bo Dangles, he set the push up standard very high.

This is Sir Mix A Lot, although he asked to be called Jack Daniel.  We are in negotiations.  It may take a while to agree on a name for him considering he keeps changing is damn mind.  The second my lips touch his cock he gives in, it's the weirdest thing.

So there ya go, our crew.  I think they are all happy with their promotions.  No more scrubbing toilets and buying us tampons.  

Cheers Bitches

Thursday, July 12, 2012

What are you gonna do about it?

Ok mother fuckers, I know it's been a while since I've posted and told of all the wild and crazy shit us Royals do, I'm sorry.  Life happens.

Things around Titty Whiskers has been boring as fuck, and around the Royal grounds it's been a bit emotional.  As if we've all been struck with 24/7, 365 day PMS.  Trust me when I say, it's been for the best that I've stayed behind the bar and served drinks instead of telling you about our latest stints in jail.

Many many stints.

We know the Police department reeeeal well now.

But I digress.

I'm trying to clear up the dust that's accumulated around here.  It's bad for business not to mention us twats can't stop sneezing into our shot glasses.  We need to cheer our asses up pronto otherwise someone is going to shot.

So get your high heels on girls, pull up those thongs and lets have us some fun!

Cheers bitches