Monday, January 16, 2012

The life of a Royal Bartender

My typical day begins a little like this:

I sit up and look around and realize the bar is trashed...

There's nothing left to drink

I sigh and drag myself to the closet to change into my cleaning uniform

While the Royals 'hide' to get out of cleaning up their shit

As usual, I get a few things picked up and then Duchess and Princess Vet begin whining like bitches that they are thirsty and hungry.  I have to tell them there's no booze, there's no brownies, there's only ice and water.

"Excuse me?  Do you know who the fuck I am" Duchess asks, Princess Vet says "Ooooh you are so getting it!" and PWT whispers to Duchess 'Go for the boobs, they'll pop and maybe there's Vodka'.

You'd think they'd get the point but no, they is stupid bitches ya know.

Queen comes walking in around this time, as if on cue and totally rehearsed, Big Balls by ACDC playing (I swear it's coming from her skirt) her theme song this week.

"Girls, girls, the Queen has saved you, the limo is packed to the ceiling with all your goodies"

The Royals get in line and saunter outside to get their gifts from Queen.

And I gladly locked the door, ignoring the girls pounding for me to let them in. 

"No way hookers!" I shout, laughing maniacally.  I have a bar to clean, those poor drunk ass circus midgets to release from their binds, and figure out why I have a pool stick shoved up my ass....

How many times do we have to go through this before someone learns their lesson?

Cheers bitches.


  1. And this is why the Dame and Sir come late to the party and leave early so we don't have to deal with the hungover bunch! We always leave a pan of brownies and pills for Dutch on her doorstep, special smokes for PWT, gin for Queen and fun new gator stuffed animals for Princess Vet when we can.

    And so you need to come clean my computer screen after reading "PWT whispers to Duchess 'Go for the boobs, they'll pop and maybe there's Vodka'."

  2. holy crap. Did she just call me a dumb bitch AND tell me there are no brownies????? Oh HELL NO! And? We are Royals, we don't clean. Life is hard, but you are paid well. Suck it up cupcake, and get me some goddamn brownies!

  3. Well 'cupcake' you know if you wouldn't shove those things up your twat to keep them for yourself, there just might be some left over....just saying....;)

  4. You know, the hookers really haven't been doing their street duties like they should be since they got back from cruise. I'm going to have to get on that one.

  5. Holy God.. I'm with Amy... PWT whispers to Duchess 'Go for the boobs, they'll pop and maybe there's Vodka'. about did me in.. I was laughing so loud I woke the Royal Dog from her nap and now she has to pee.. I don't.. I just did... Holy god, you were the last one on board, but with posts like this.. you are moving right up the ranks as NEXT IN LINE FOR THE BEER TAB CROWN...

  6. Oooh I like that, are there any nipple rings to go with it??